relationships: barriers to a beginning

** "i don't want to hurt her."

fear of breaking up. not fear that i would hurt, but that she might hurt. i'll be ok if she hurts me. but it's not ok that i'll hurt her.

i make my sisters cry all the time. (?!why, because they are sad for you? commiserating?) no. because i'm being a jerk to them. and i'm not trying to, you know. i love my sisters. i would give my right arm for them. and yet i've hurt them very deeply. i can't stand the idea that i might hurt her in that way.


** "i want my partner to be crazy about me."

every person has this right, that the other would be head over heels for you.

but do you want her to be crazy about you before you ask her out? what is she crazy ABOUT? about your looks? intelligence? voice? the image that she had been building in her mind about the ideal man, the image you happen to fit so well?

true absolute craziness about the other can only happen as you TRULY get to know the other.

e and i have been serving for 2+ years together. i've known her on a certain level. we've gotten to know each other as well as we can, under the "group" setting. how we interact with the kids, others, authority, joy, sadness, troubles. but only now, dating, are we truly getting to know the other.

to be honest, i don't know for sure that this will lead to marriage. there is the possibilty that this relationship won't reach that point. that it would end in tears, anger, and a lot of pain.

the trick is to take that big step asking her out, when the deeper person can only be discovered while dating.

it's one thing to make a sacrifice of yourself. to willingly put yourself at risk to hurt. it's a whole other thing to put another person vulnerable to that hurt.

i really like the movie hero. at first it was because of the action. then i appreciated that it was aesthetically amazing. then, after several more viewings, i focused a lot on the ending of the movie. it was compelling, and i felt that the willingness of nameless to walk into death was admirable.

several days ago, i saw hero again, and that last scene had a shocking new meaning for me. i saw for the first time, that nameless had done a great thing, but that the king had done a harder, crazier thing. he had to sacrifice not his own life, but the life of another.

for a heartless or amoral person, such an act is nothing; it is not sacrifice. but for a caring, loving person, such a sacrifice is the moving of a mountain.

taking that big step, that initiative to ask her out, is something like the sacrifice that the king had made.

jacob from URL @ 8/11/2003 05:59:00 AM

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